happymutt

Pirate videos

Sun, 27 May 2007 12:04:47 GMT

Okay. If it's illegal to sell pirate videos, is it illegal to steal them?

Doesn't that balance it all out?

SNL - Addiction

Tue, 15 May 2007 20:02:42 GMT

Absolutely hooked on SNL sean connery jokes now. Can't stop laughing, no matter how many times I watch it.

Sat, 12 May 2007 23:28:37 GMT

Watched Eurovision today. Scored the best songs. Waited for the results. Shouldn't have bothered.

I still have hope. Please stop the public vote. Never listen to the general public. The general public like Coronation Street and Eastenders.

I met the general public today. I hate and fear them. They make my prostate harden.

I think I might be a member of the general public. This makes my prostate harden more.

I think my wife is also a member of the general public. That's okay. She's always made my prostate harden.

Sat, 12 May 2007 23:25:24 GMT

If placing one hand on your hips is a half doris, and placing both hands on your hips is a full doris, what is it if Doris places her hands on someone else's hips?

Bit like the Book of Liff, this. Ascribing names to things that don't yet have them.

Scratching my chin could be a Rough Robert. Poking someone in the eye could be a Philanderers Pencil Pocket. Tripping over a manhole cover could be a Four Season Monkey Rub. Travelling too quickly on a bicycle could be a Slippery Foam Bonnet.

The list is endless. I'm making a new world.

I need sleep.

Perfume

Sat, 05 May 2007 21:12:30 GMT

Every now and again, I see a film, watch a tv episode, read a story, eat a meal, see a view that totally blows my mind. Rare moments these, but when they come along, I don't want to go so sleep for the rest of my life, just so I can preserve that wonderment, that lovely feeling that I've uncovered something so beautiful that it seems to be distilled from all the other beauty in the universe.

This time it was a film about a murderer. Go figure.

See it if you can. I hope you get the same feeling I do. If you don't, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

It's called Perfume: The Story of a Murderer.

Sat, 05 May 2007 16:22:28 GMT

Okay. Why these people did this, I really don't know. The fact that someone ordered a stuffed mouse then turned it into a computer mouse deliberately suggests they weren't under the influence of anything other than a terrible, irresistible boredom.

Shall we extend the principle and stuff a computer case with dead beavers? Or perhaps live beavers? How about make a daisy chain out of dead rats and wear it as a necklace.

Turner prize?

Golf versus Archery - How times change

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:14:23 GMT

With reference to a previous post: how times have changed. Centuries ago, people skived off archery to go and play golf. That wouldn't happen today. If you asked a young lad, "Would you like to play golf or go and play with that projectile weapon", I'm pretty sure they'd go with the projectile weapon.

Why do males like hitting things? They like it right from birth. Give a little girl a stick, they'll draw things or make shapes. Give a little boy a stick, they'll hit things with it.

How did that instincitive programming go in? Why is it gender specific? While we live in a male dominated society, is there any hope for the complete cessation of war? Isn't war simply hitting things with sticks, but done supersized?

How big does a stick have to be unti it triggers the hitting instinct?

I like sticks. I like hitting things with sticks. I am male.

Animals that stare

Thu, 03 May 2007 20:04:04 GMT

My cats stare at me. Sometimes they stare for hours. I respect that ability.

We store our cat food in the small toilet. Not the actual toilet, but in the room surrounding it, otherwise the food would get soggy and visitors might think I'm ill or something.

Anyway, the cats know the food is in there, so when people go in to use the facilities, the cats run in there, too. They then stare at our visitors while they try and do their business. We have two types of visitor. The type that are amused and don't mind that a cat is watching them poo, and the kind that just can't perform under their gaze.

I think I like the former type of visitor. I really like the visitors who maintain a conversation during the process. I'm not so sure about the visitors who entice the cat onto their lap. There's something odd about that.

I'm trying to think of animals that stare and how they can make you uncomfortable. I think it comes down to privacy and mortal fear. A cat stares at you on the toilet, it's a privacy issue. A 2 metre tall bear with claws that can take your head off while it stares at you on the toilet, is more a case of fear.

If bears do that thing in the woods, would they be able to do it if my cats were staring at them?

Acronyms

Wed, 02 May 2007 22:23:01 GMT

Discovered today that acronyms are a 20th century invention. Before 1900 people didn't create them.

When people first started using acronyms, did the older generation disapprove of them the same way some people disapprove of texting today?

Also found out that golf dates back to 1457. People used to skive off their archery to go and bang a squidgy ball into the distance instead. James II really didn't approve.

Aging?

Wed, 02 May 2007 21:57:47 GMT

I'm getting older.

First I start noticing that policeman look like twelve-year olds, then doctors look as if they've just learned to fit shapes in the right hole, then I start collecting mild health conditions and finally I start having boundary disputes with the council.

Last year I worried about becoming my dad. Now I don't give a crap if I am or not. I used to like grumpy old men on the telly, but now I find them annoying because I'm grumpy enough to not give a crap about them either.

The one thing I can hold onto is that parts of me are younger. My toenails are probably less than a year old. They're so cute. Bless them. I wonder if I should start weaning them yet?

But wait! No! My toenails will only get older if I let them grow like one of those royal oriental people until they start curling around like quavers crisps and clacking on the laminate like claws. If they are to be forever young, they must be pruned. To be able to walk, I must clip and sand, clip and sand, clip and sand again and again. And I must. I don't want curly toes. I really don't.

So, I must requalify my original statement. Parts of me are getting older. The other parts are forever young.